How to make your Waiter, Waitress, Busser, and Cook happy

Here is a list of things not to do at a restaurant, for some reason people find these things acceptable.

DO NOT do the following
1. Seat yourself, particularly if the restaurant is busy and there is a sign that says not to seat yourself
2. Come in a group of five or more when it is busy, and then complain about the wait after the staff tells you it is full, and you beg to be seated and that the wait doesn’t matter; then have a tantrum and leave after a half hour.
3. Be rude, you can ruin a day with that snotting smirk and attitude, just because you are being served doesn’t mean you are better; a hobo can afford a meal at a restaurant sometimes.
4. When you are seated for five minutes don’t get up and insist on moving tables, because of something trivial “I like that table better”. That just dirties two tables
5. Tip a quarter, no joke, a thirty dollar meal should not have a tip of your lose pocket change (unless you count fives as change); ie 72 cents and a piece of gum.
6. Be rude to a waitress or busser or hostess, blaiming bad food, ectera ectera on them; particularly the busser; how in anyway shape or form is it their fault you got bad food, they don’t make it.
7. Be creepy, seriously don’t be creepy, ie. don’t hit on the waitresses, particularly if they are minors and or more than ten years younger than you.
8. This goes with number seven, be so damn anal about things like how many pieces of ice are in your water.
9. Don’t eat then stick around for a half an hour chatting (this only applies to when it is busy, when its slow, chat away; also if you are annoying)
10. Igore your childrens rude and disgusting behavior. If they are throwing food on the floor, or sticking gum under the table or screaming at the top of their lungs; don’t ignore them or laugh and joke about it, you should be embarrassed; I am not talking about infants, they can’t help it; I am talking about children 3-18, they should behave themselves or see some consequences.
11. Neck, yes we can all see you going to third base over in that booth; so STOP IT!
12. Beg for stuff off the dinner menu at 7am when there are a dozen tables waiting for food and the kitchen is backed up; there is a reason why there are separate menus.
13. Order something then after its is half made decide that you want it made differently; that just wastes food; make up your mind!
14. Ask the waiter, do you have this or that, if you don’t see it on the menu, the odds are NO

PLEASE DO BE nice and understanding, if you don’t like the service tell someone, but don’t yell at someone who didn’t serve you and had no part in your displeasure. ALSO please wait your turn, if you don’t like it go home and cook for YOURSELF.

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